I know I had come across true love
once, and I know it because the feeling still burns in my bones. I
met him at the age of 4, his name was Elijah. Never in a million
years would I have thought that I would see him fade into colorless
dust, brushing away to coat the earth and never be found, leaving his
family like a shipwreck in a never-ending tide. Elijah, oh how much I
could have done for you, how much I could have done to save you. But
in my seven year old shoes, I stood paralyzed as menacing arms
gripped mine, with a scolding voice that replayed over and over in my
head. One day, we were going to stare deep into each-others eyes,
telling ourselves it was where we wanted to be for the rest of our
lives. We were going to run in our adult shoes, playing tag, until
our legs didn't work anymore. That
was our true fate, not this. But now I live with a demon always sitting on
my shoulder. He likes to laugh at me for what I've done, reminding me
of the horrors over again, just as soon as I try to move on. He binds
me with chains of silence, he binds me with a closed mind. He draws
the man who burnt my clothes, the man who burnt your life. Elijah, I
could have saved you.
Elijah... One day,
I hope you will forgive me.
But do you remember
our last day together, Elijah? The one where we walked home from
school through fields of gold, spinning the earth beneath our feet?
Do you remember the sun and how it melted the clouds beneath it,
revealing the freckles on our faces? Our hands intertwined
unconsciously, as our tiny hearts beat like racing drums. We ran
until our laughter knocked us down, and stayed until the sky was
coated with marmalade. If only we could have frozen the moment and
never moved on. If only we could have both stayed in our seven year
old bodies. If only I had never been given the opportunity to grow up
alone.
I wish our hands
stayed intertwined the whole way through. I wish we closed our eyes,
and imagined the sun was melting us into the fields of gold. I wish
my little legs didn't learn to escape. I wish it was me instead of
you, so that you could have run home to your family, letting them
know everything was okay.
And in this
moment, I wish the fires that covered you could dry my tears.
I searched for you
in the eyes of the sun, in the dancing wheat that feathered my eyes,
in the butterfly wings that flapped my hair gently behind my ears. I
searched for you in the cotton tails of the milk weeds, parting from
their buds, to say hello as soon as they said goodbye, soon brushing
through familiar cornstalks, to reveal your marble face. Oh Elijah,
how I wait for the day your smile will bring the field back to life,
but all I see are charcoal dusted, broken stalks, with a demon
dancing on top of a mountain of ember lit ashes, acting as if nothing
were wrong, as if this place were a sanctuary of good dreams, where
kids like us could play all day and all night long and never be taken
away. Elijah, I can't look at those milk weeds anymore, because they
always say hello, and I never got to say good-bye.
The heat of Summer
always reminded me of the comfort of my mother, but now, it greets me
like the trees of Winter. Somehow I stay horrendously captivated in
Summer's reign, climbing through Peter as you once did, with
trembling soles that found it hard to grip his bark, hoping to keep
balance long enough to pick a peach that matched the colors of the
run down sky. Remember when you would take a big bite, back cradled
against Peter's torso, trying to caress the crescent moon into the
empty space? I guess the real question is, how could you ever forget
it? You were my summer, Elijah, and now it's nothing but a
bittersweet memory.
They tell me to
try and remember. They tell me it's okay, and that all I have to do
is tell them what I saw. I close my eyes, but I can't see anything
through the screaming of red and orange flares. He sits beside me,
gripping my skin tight, hanging sharp teeth over a dirtied lip. He
threatens me with hell, and as he threatens me with fire, I feel
familiar fingers curling into mine.
“C'mon, don't
look so sad!”
“But, Elijah...
don't you understand?”
He turns his head
upwards to see me, and sits down, picking dandelions out of the
ground.
“Yeah I do... I
miss playing tag.”
“Isn't there
anyone there you can play with?”
“Yeah, but they
aren't as fun as you and they can't run as fast.”
I cry as he holds
out a group of dandelions.
“But you're
getting older now, April.”
I take them.
“Elijah...”
His fingers curl
around mine.
“It gets harder
and harder to hold your hand.”
“But I'll always
hold yours.”
I see a tear roll
down his cheek.
“Can I ask you a
question, Eli?”
“Yeah?”
“Why aren't you
mad at me?”
He stops pulling
the grass and looks at me.
“You're not the
bad man.”
“...But I
could've saved you.”
“April, do you
remember the sun and how it melted the clouds beneath it?”
“Elijah, the real
question is, how could I ever forget it?”
